"being single visits a kind of constant, low-intensity misery on a person- at least on a person who doesn’t want to be single. coming home to an empty house, not having anyone to confide in, facing illnesses on your own-being alone hurts, but people can get used to it. but being in a long-term relationship doesn’t spare you from all that day-to-day pain. it just banks it. every day I’m with terry, every day i’m not alone, a little misery gets put into a savings account, where interest is compounded hourly. the day terry dies, all the pain I avoided when i was with him will be paid out all at once; i will suffer a windfall of misery. i imagine the pain would feel literally like being torn in two. maybe that’s what people mean when they talk about “one flesh”?"
the closer i get to sergio, the more comfortable i feel with him, the more in tune with his brain i get to be is also the more scared i am of the outcome of anything. i keep having this nightmare in which he leaves me, and i am devastated, and i never get over it. i wake up feeling awful, in part because i don't want this to happen, and in part because i can understand how dennis felt when i left him.
funny how a new boyfriend can bring you to a more sympathetic place with an ex. i really don't understand why, but i feel like telling dennis about it.
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