birthmarks / trademarks

rufus passed yesterday. i am really sad. in fact, this is the saddest i have been after a pet’s passing in my whole life.

rufus kept me company in what has been one of the most difficult times of my life: the last year of graduate school. a year in which all of my energy seemed to dissipate into the air, a year in which everyone kept asking me about my plans just so that i could reply “i don’t know” or “we will see”. it was great to be around someone that wasn’t questioning my plans (or lack of) or probing my mental health. rufus didn’t care that i wasn’t living up to my expectations. he didn’t care that i was sad and moody all the time. it can be said that he didn’t care because he was a dog, but at the time, it was just what i needed.

last winter, i got to spend a significant amount of time with rufus when chris and melissa went on vacation to spain. ten days spent inside the apartment, while i typed my thesis away and took breaks to walk him or eat soup or drink coffee. that little winter episode was marked by the haze of me wearing pajamas all the time, and by rufus sleeping by the window as i carried along my day.

yet, i remember one clear episode. one afternoon i was really feeling like shit, and i decided to take ruf for a walk. i never liked saying that i was taking him for a walk; as sergio pointed out several times, rufus did a better job at walking me than the other way around. next to the taqueria that we passed all the time, i just sighed and asked out loud “why do things never go according to plan for me?” rufus stopped walking, looked back at me, walked towards me and reclined his head against my legs. he listened. he knew. like myself, he really didn’t have an answer. that moment meant a lot for me. it still does. it was the first time that someone provided sympathy without questions, without trying to explain. i am starting to think that he was the only one that ever could.

i am not religious, not even spiritual. yet, i hope that he is in a good place, with grass and things to sniff and trouble to get into.